So I know that it is now Monday but circumstances made it impossible for me to write this yesterday. This will become a regular though, I'm sure as I find my way to GOD.
Yesterday I went to Sunday School at the church and also the Sunday service.
It was great...GOD is soooo good!
I learned about "Living a Blameless Life" We studied 1Timothy Chapter 5 (not sure how that is technically supposed to be written out so I'll do it my way)
God wants believers to live a blameless life, not only for Jesus but because it's the right thing to do. Our lives are about people. The elderly men, younger men, elderly women, younger women. We should treat the elderly men as a father, the younger men as our brother, the elder women as our mother and the younger women as our sister with all purity.
The point of the lesson, I think anyway, was to teach us that our home and family is our responsibility and we should show piety first at home. That no matter what the circumstances, our children, husbands, significant others are our responsibility.
This struck a cord deep within me. I am currently a work out of the home mom and it kills me. It literally kills me. Every day I'm at work I feel a piece of me die inside. It kills me everytime I drop my boys off at daycare and they cry and cry and cry. All they want is to be with me and I pawn them off with strangers just so that I can go get a paycheck. Can we live without my paycheck, I fear it would be quite impossible to live on just Randy's salary. It's so hard. I'm at work now and I just want to cry.
Finding my way to GOD is proving more of an emotional battle than I think I'm ready for. The more I read and learn confirms that every part of me that is wrong is also wrong with GOD and it makes me feel so ashamed. What do I do? I want to be saved but I almost feel like my soul is lost. Lost in the wrong turns and misguided information of others. Lost in other people's reactions and thoughts that shouldn't be in my way but are. This same goes for my decision to not work, in many eyes it is wrong for me to not want to work to want to stay home with my kids and be their MOTHER. I'm so ashamed, I'll never regret or be ashamed of my children but I am ashamed that I am an unmarried mother of 2. I feel like all eyes are judging me when I take my children to church. Yes Randy and I are together and plan on getting married but it's just so wrong to have children and not be married first...right?
I'm rambling now but I needed to vent and get it off of my shoulders...I was really feeling weighed down today.
Thanks for checking in!